Lexi katelyn

TW: physical violence, sexual content, language, break up, names used have been changed

Toxic Love

One: Loving you was hating myself.  Loving you was compromising the fire in my soul that could burn the whole city down.  Loving you was a reckless handling of my own plexiglass heart. Two: Loving you was falling deeper down the rabbit hole.  Loving you was opening up decades of insecurities.  Loving you was my own personalized drug of choice that I would gladly overdose to. Three: Loving you was attempting to start a bonfire in my empty chest with nothing but my waterlogged heart.  Loving You was never knowing when and how you would break my heart next.  Loving you was fucking chaos. Four:  Four: Fucking Four and Fuck you more.

Five: Remember the letter you wrote me?  Remember the letter that you wrote that was full of lies… you would never leave me, you only want me, I am the most beautiful girl in the world, we will get through anything together.  You would say everyday you could not wait to spend the rest of your life with me.  Remember telling your parents we were going to get married before you even asked if I wanted to?  Remember how you swore you would never hurt me?  Remember… I was your Goddamn soulmate. Six: You cheated on me… twice… with the same disgusting 18 year old whore who knew you had a girlfriend… those were your words not mine.  The same girl who gave you a hickey while I was in the hospital after being assaulted because you didn’t believe me.  You said I did it to myself.  My whole body was cut up and bruised and you decided you wanted to get your rocks off.  Remember how you said you would never let anything hurt me again?  Remember how in the span of one day you lost all the love you had for me?  Remember the girl you said was gross was the same girl you started dating two days after we broke up, yet still told me you loved me? Seven: But let’s be honest, you didn’t love me at all. Eight:  Honesty was a trait you never had.  Every word that poured from your venomous mouth was a manipulation to obtain your next conquest.  You don’t give a fuck about collateral.  But I do. Nine: I changed everything I was, watered myself down, and shut my pretty little mouth to submit to you.  All in a hail mary attempt to save any chance we had left. Ten: The Connection… and not the one in our souls… the connection of my palm against your cheek after you failed to heed my warnings.  The connection that you twisted into a web of lies to tell people I abused you.  You said I punched you 6 times and you had no mark.  At least make your lies make sense. Ten: But let us sweep it under the rug that you threw me on the floor and pinned me against the wall to tell me you would murder me. Ten: Then you cried as I left and you told me you still loved me. Ten: Me believing you still did. Eleven: However, you forgot to extinguish the small flame left in my aching soul. Twelve: I was nothing but a pretty face and a damn good fuck Thirteen: I miss the sex. Twelve:  I fucking hate you. Eleven: I really hate you and I hate that I still love you Ten: I hate that I will always love you. Ten: I still wonder how Petey is Nine: I hate to ask, but was any of it real? Eight: Why the fuck did you move me to Dayton in a cramped house with your three brothers and parents just to play me? Why the fuck didn’t you just leave me alone? Seven: Do you tell people I made you cum 10 times in one night, something I know no other girl will do for you again.  You had never even came twice in one night, much less on opiates like you were the night of the infamous 10. Seven: I am damn proud I have that title in your life- a new meaning for a tenner Six: if i see you again, i may do it again. Five: Karma for the new fucked up couple is inevitable.  I ate my karma when I left my ex to be with you.  Yours is coming next dude.  Y’all knew what you fucking signed up for.  All actions have consequences. Four: I call you skid-mark to my friends. Three: Jerry, yes I said your fucking name, Jerry Patruck you’re the most disgusting type of boy on this planet and yes I said boy.  You are no man. Two: You totaled my heart like you did my car when you took it for a demolition derby while I was asleep. One: How do I get over you? One: Why do I still love you? One:  Will I always love you? One: You knew I never felt safe until I met you.  You gave me a false sense of security just to shatter it. One: Why couldn’t you have left me the fuck alone? One: I am fucking pissed, Jerry, because I will always love you Zero: Null: Nothing: You were my home and now I am homeless.  Shamelessly using my light to try to find my way back to you.